Wednesday, April 10, 2013

:: ticky tock ::

I always have good intentions when it comes to my blog.  Seriously - throughout the day, I'll have these little moments when I think, "Oh!  I should blog this!  Oh!  I should blog that!"  Then, I sit down to write and >bzzzz< it's gone.  

Anyway, here are some thoughts that have been jumbling around in my head.

You'd be surprised if you really knew me.  I mean really knew.  I come across (so I've heard) as a confident, roll-with-the-punches kind of girl who doesn't really give much thought as to what others think about me.  I'd like to say that all of those things are true.  I've got you all fooled.  Well, most of you (smiling at my best girlfriends right now).

Truth is, I'm not always confident.  I'm not always on the top of my game.  Who is?!  What I'm getting at here, is I'm just now - at 34, mind you, learning how to BE OKAY WITH THIS.  I really, oh my heck, I really do care what people think about me.  Consider this:

I've lost a couple of friendships in the past couple of years.  One was, what I thought, a pretty good relationship.  I do have friends that - despite my best efforts and theirs, it's just tough to get together with.  And, I have friends with whom it's just a breeze.  Maybe I'm just more invested in the easier relationships  and tend to lean towards putting my time into those ones, but as a woman, I'd love to see each and every one of my girl friends with their sweet babies WEEKLY, if I could.  Fact is, it's impossible.  And I'm serious, guys.  I've been "de-friended" because of this.  Now, I think I'm a fairly flexible person - especially throughout the summer months (no school).  I've always had at LEAST one child who naps and this year, TWO different school schedules to keep track of (this fall, I'll have THREE - YIPPEE!!).  Piled on top of that, has been 2012 - aka The Worst Year Ever personally and in my family and, y'all, I've just been going through some stuff.  

I'm kind of a mess right now.  

I've felt myself withdrawing and self-protecting the last couple of years - my confidence shaken.  Losing friends has affected me - shaken my confidence and made me turn inward (which, hey, isn't always a bad thing) and re-evaluate relationships.  Some of it has been personally, really ugly and painful for me.  But.  Here's the beautiful part.  Here's the good, meaty part of what I've discovered.

Oh, my goodness.  I'm so humbled and grateful for my true friendships.  I'm so in awe of people who would drop everything in a MINUTE to take my kids for 2 nights/days while we fly across the state to get to Ryan's dad.  I'm in awe of friends who accompany me to scary doctor appointments and rejoice with me afterwards when there's good news.  I'm in awe of friends who take a kid or more on a day when they recognize that I'm simply exhausted and need a break.  I'm so overwhelmed that when I fall apart, I have many others who immediately stretch out their arms to catch me - and I fall into them... because the trust is there.  I'm so grateful for friends who have traveled with us through our recent church struggles, finding a beautiful church body with us where we can grow our families together, still.  I'm so in awe of friends who can grab me by the chin, tell me what I need to hear, not what I WANT to hear - and it doesn't sting at all.  Because they're usually right dead on.

I've come to realize, at this point in my life, worrying about friends who drop me because we had strep throat and couldn't make a birthday party (true story), who get frustrated because it usually takes 2 or 3 times to get something scheduled (hi.  3 kids with different needs) really aren't friends.  Oh, but it hurts.  It hurts me a lot.  It's been over a year with one and it still stings.  Because I'm a human being.  Because I do love all of my friends - even the ones I don't get to see very often.  Sidenote: Thank GOD for Facebook.  I know it has its drawbacks that frustrate even me, but for a stay-at-home mom, it's my lifeline out there...hello?  Add on top of that struggles with marriage, day-to-day struggles and a house to keep somewhat clean.  I love how some of my friends can come over and my youngest won't be wearing pants and they don't even bat an eyelash.  I'm learning to let go a little bit...it's okay.  It's okay that my counters aren't wiped down and this morning's breakfast is still sitting on the table.  It.  Is. Okay.  SO not how I was raised!!

I'm never going to be perfect.  I'm never going to be what everyone needs or expects.  I'm blessed with friends who don't care.  That sounds bad.  They don't, though.  I don't have to be perfect for them.  And I'm finally feeling free.  I have a long way to go, but I'm feeling free...er.  I haven't even talked about my self-image and self-esteem, but boy, do my friends (and husband) make me feel like I'm the most beautiful person on earth.  I have parents I can call at any time who will talk me off of an emotional ledge, pray for me and tell me I'm not crazy and a mom who encourages me and a sister who thinks I hung the moon.

I'm seeking counseling.  I've made the decision and I'm pretty excited about it.  It's been a long time coming.  I need to find a way to pick up all the cards, shuffle them in the right order and have a full deck again.  I just laughed when I typed that.  But that's really how it feels.  I want to stop feeling sad and overwhelmed.  I'm eager to learn more about myself, my past and how I can be the best Molly I can be.  

I have such a wonderful life.  A risen Savior who LOVES me unconditionally, is full of grace, and is catching me every day.  Beautiful friends surrounding me who love me unconditionally.  An amazing, faithful husband who, despite our struggles, clings to me and I to him.  A beautiful, beautiful church body that I am so thankful every day for.  3 incredible, gorgeous, HEALTHY children who make me laugh, sing and play.  2 of them have asked Jesus into their hearts - all on their own.  Such incredible love that I'm surrounded by.  

I've never been a worrier.  I can see myself becoming one (I have a little bit already).  This year has still been a little rough with family members losing jobs, having emotional life crises along with health issues and the like.  But I'm done shrinking back.  I'm done breaking.  Outwardly, I'm "You're going to be FINE!  We've GOT this!  Here's what we can do!  Chin up!" and inside, I'm "OMG OMG OMG.  I can't breathe.  Fall apart, fall apart, fall apart." Oh, people.  I can put on a good front.  I'm so good.  But a lot of the time, I'm just shattering inside.   

So look out.  You're going to see a different me in the months to come.  Oh, what a glorious thought!

I've got to move on, get some help so I can take care of my husband and babies and live a beautiful life.  Because, man...it's going by so fast.  Ticky tock.  

My Liam

My Delia

My Aidan with a nest he found...I made him return it unscathed.