Tuesday, November 8, 2011

:: this is hard ::

When I was a kid, I was a restless sleeper.  I sleepwalked sometimes.  I would wake myself up talking.  I would move around in bed a lot, sometimes ending up upside down in bed.  I remember a few times waking up to the heaviness combined with the insane heat of my electric blanket over my face, as I was turned upside down in bed.  I remember I would dream that I was awake and was physically unable to open my eyes or move my body.  Terrified and half-asleep, I would struggle under the weight and heat of that blanket, trying to escape, usually ending up on the floor next to my bed.  As the cool blast of air would hit my face, I'd calm down, climb back into bed and pray that I would keep myself upright for the rest of the night.  It was awful.

I wish I could type these blog posts and just expose my heart.  I wish all of the things I think about, ponder and worry about would just spill out onto the page as eloquently as I think them.  I have so many concerns, so many worries and fears.  I have so many dreams, wants and gems of happiness.  I have so many things and people to celebrate.  I am bundle of mixed emotions these days.

Parenting is hard stuff.  Raising babies is not for the weak.  I posted on fb yesterday that parenting is hard.  I had some really encouraging comments back from people [thank you, if you're reading this and one of those comments was from you], and some, well, not so encouraging, (but at the same time, not discouraging).  I'm at a place right now where I'm feeling like I'm failing my kids.  Lack of real, solid sleep, abundance of stress, worrying about my family, finances, and self-image issues have been plaguing me as of late.  I can feel it affecting me.  I'm worrying a lot about it.  My kids are rapidly changing and I'm struggling to adapt to it all.  They are challenging me more and I can feel my patience slipping away from me more often these days.  I am extremely quick to apologize and bless their little souls -- they are so quick to forgive me and love me.  Some days I can't bring myself to do daily mundane tasks (much to my laundry's detriment). I feel like I'm trapped underneath that blanket, struggling for some cooler air.

I need to snap out of it.  I need some control.  I will be implementing some new things around here in the next week or two, including a new reward system for the kids and a photography schedule for me (photos and editing...can't seem to catch up).  Also on the agenda will be a whole lot of taking care of myself.  And there will be a lot of loving my kids more, listening more and unplugging more (this one is tough for me).

Listen, I know I'm not failing my kids.  But I also know I can focus more on them -- and I need to.  Some re-organization around here should do the trick!