Thursday, April 21, 2011

:: finis? ::

If you asked me, right after Liam was born, I would've told you (and I probably did tell you) that we are DONE having kids.  Done.  The last pregnancy was hard on my body and I am busier than I've ever been.  I have three relatively easy children.  Despite some interesting behaviors once in awhile, we have really fun, easy days for the most part.  They eat just about everything (although Gia is such a slooooowwww eater), sleep 12+ hours each night, take naps/rest times each day and are so very smart and funny and entertaining.  They also happen to be GORGEOUS.  I mean, look:

 



last weekend

and look:


 




also last weekend

and:


 




with chad's mom. he hates to have his picture taken lately, so i have to sneak up on him in order to not get a nasty face.

For awhile, I was content with that answer.  "Yeah, we're done.  We're done.  We're SOOOOO done."


See where this is heading?


No, I'm not pregnant.


Believe me.


 


I've been having dreams, more and more, of my 4th child - a boy.  He's blonde and fair with blue eyes, every time.  In one dream, I waited until my water broke to tell Ryan I was pregnant.  "Oh, by the way..."  Last night, I dreamed I was pregnant again despite having an IUD (which I have).  It was a shock to me - and Ryan, that I was pregnant again.  I was SO happy and delighted...Ryan was not.


How do you decide you're "done".  Is it a feeling?  If I am, in fact, done having kids, will I ever feel complete?  Will the desire ever go away?  Will I always regret not having that fourth one (I've wanted 4 kids ever since I can remember...since I was a kid myself).  Do I shut up and be content with what I have?  This is a tough road for me.  The thought of being done is a tough pill to swallow.  Just over a year ago, I would've been delighted if Ryan "took care of it."  Now, I am afraid I would be inconsolable.  The thought of never being pregnant again, feeling the baby move, the birthing experience...I'm trying to decide if I'm just in love with the pregnancy experience (I LOVE being pregnant), or if I truly want another child.  I love my little family, but I think about the future with school, sports, expenses, lessons, college...yikes.


So...how do you know?


In case you were wondering, Ryan still says he's done.