Tuesday, November 9, 2010

:: grown ups mess up too ::

Yesterday was a rough one with Aidan and I.  As I've previously posted, we've had some tough times, but things are really improving with the help of extra attention and a sweet sticker chart.  But yesterday...he had a rough morning and I lost it on him.  I instantly felt bad and spent 5 minutes with him in the car talking to him, hugging him and apologizing, not caring how late we were to preschool.

Today started off a little on the rough side too.  I started coming down with something yesterday evening, which got progressively worse by morning.  It was a restless night for me - fighting a fever, head pounding, throat on fire...even my skin hurt.  I was a wreck by morning time.  Time to get Aidan up and ready for preschool.  I texted my neighbor friend who has a daughter in the same class as Aidan, to ask her if she could give him a lift to and from school.  That settled, I went in to get him up.  He sat up with a smile on his face and wet sheets.  I know it happens sometimes...especially with this kid.  It's just that, he has been doing so WELL up until the last couple of days.  It had been weeks since his last accident.  Frustrated, I knew I had to get him cleaned up and dressed and fed before he was picked up.  Just as I was about to thank my lucky stars that the others were still sleeping, I heard a little cry from the room next door.  They were awake too (thank you, time change).  I sent Aidan to the bathroom to (hopefully) clean himself up, attacked him with about 50 baby wipes and prayed he wouldn't be the "stinky kid in class".  I could barely see straight with my pounding headache as I got Gia up, on/off the potty and dressed.  I quickly changed a grinning Liam and we all headed downstairs.  Luckily, Aidan had better listening skills this morning.  He quickly ate and he was handsome and out the door.  I collapsed on the couch with Gia (who has a cold) and Liam played until he went down for a nap.  Aidan came home with a great report from the teacher...another great day!  The rest of the day went smoothly and they are now tucked up in their beds...sweet little angels.  Me, I still feel like crap.  I made a decision after this morning's rush, that even though I am sick, I am still going to find the joys in today and point them out to my kids.

The thing about little ones...they are so quick to forgive.  And so ready to forget and move on.  After yesterday's debacle, I felt terrible.  I yelled at him again in the afternoon in the car because he was talking back.  I'm trying to get perspective here.  I don't think he even knows what talking back is.  He is just smart and wants to state his opinion.  It was all innocent.  But I happened to be stuck in traffic, having just dropped off my sister at the airport, and was headed to pick Ryan up from work.  I was starving.  Shaky.  Fried.  I quickly apologized after yelling and we had a good talk about self control as I explained that sometimes mommy messes up too - and if we were home, I would've given myself a timeout.  That seemed to amuse him.  I just love these kids.  I know I'm only human, but sometimes I am afraid that I'm going to mess them up somehow.  I have such a short window with these little guys - I only get one chance to do it right.  I'm hard on myself because I feel like I have to be.  It's such a huge responsibility and sometimes I feel my knees buckle a little under the weight of it all.  But it is so beautiful, too.  Three little trusting souls, believing every word I say.  Telling me "it's okay, mommy" when I mess up.  Giving me hugs, kisses and ginormous grins.

My commitment to them, and myself, is to count to 10.  200 - no, 5000 if I have to when I feel myself losing it.  Even when I'm hearing, "mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommy..."

Time is moving way too fast.  Something catches in my chest when I think about it.  I have to do this right.  I just love them so much.