Tuesday, June 1, 2010

:: bah. ::

I did it.

I can't believe what I just did.

I just put my baby in his own bed.  In his own room (the one he now shares with Gia).  Alone.  Away from me.  I can no longer reach over to the side during the night and hold his little hand, stroke his cool little face, pop in a paci, or pull him into my bed for early morning nursing sessions.  I can no longer listen to his slow, breathy sounds, coos in the night, little sighs and the sucksucksucksuck sound of his little pacifier.  I can no longer just quickly grab him and pull him next to me when I need to smell his little head, cuddle, and whisper to him...you know, get my "fix".

That was it.  Probably my last baby.  My heart catches in my throat when I think about it.  He no longer wants to nurse...he's moving on way sooner than my other babes.  Tea will be drunk, herbs will be taken, and pumping will continue in order to keep giving him a little bit of the "good stuff".  He's way bigger at this age then my other two were, proudly filling out his 3-6 month clothing now...way sooner than my others did...Gia, at least.  She's still so petite.  ...Anyway, he's growing way too fast for my liking.  It hurts.  But I'm so proud of him...my second boy.  I think he's going to be a mama's boy.  I can feel it.  Right now he coos, grins, squeals...just on the verge of that new little chuckle.  So close.  He's ticklish.  He's a snuggler.  He eats like a horse.  He sleeps forever.  My baby.

Last night, I knew it would be our last night.  I did something I've never done before.  With any of my babes.  I pulled Liam into a snuggle in bed with me, curled up in my arms until his breathing slowed, he sighed...and was asleep and quickly sweating my arms up (this kid sleeps HOT).  I thought about his birth and his short life so far.  I thought about my older two and their births.  I ran through each one in my head.  I thought about the newborn nights, feedings, changes every few hours...precious times that came and went way too fast.  I thought about how each time we put them into their own rooms around their 3 month mark - how sad I was, but how proud I was (and am) of what great little sleepers they are.  How they need their independence, how it's important for them to learn to fall asleep on their own...but how much they still need their mommy.  I thought about so many things as I snuggled with my littlest, with my nose resting on top of his fuzzy little head.  I wasn't ready for this.

And I cried.