Thursday, January 28, 2010

get a grip.

Today was One Of Those Days.  So I'm gonna vent a little bit.  I've not been sleeping all too well {hello, heartburn, bladder and wiggly baby}.  We've been having issues with Aidan, who is fully potty trained during the day.  He still sleeps 12 hours or so at night, which his pediatrician agrees is waaay too long for him to "hold it", so he still wears a diaper at night.  He sleeps too hard to wake himself up to go.  SO.  A few weeks ago, he began pooping in his diaper EVERY MORNING when he woke up.  Sometimes I wonder if he's even awake when he does it, or if it's just instinct to do it first thing.  It's been every single morning, lately.  Everything I read tells me not to make a big deal about it, don't punish, etc.  We've tried not making a big deal about it (acting non-chalant, telling him to try again the next day), treats, bribery, constant reminders, deep conversation, prizes, praise, light scolding, putting him on the potty at night before bedtime for an extended time to try to get him to poop ("Sorry, mommy - I just don't have any")...  NOTHING WORKS.  He understands fully what is going on and when I ask him at night what he needs to do in the morning when he wakes up, he says, "Call mommy and don't poop in my diaper."  Then the next morning, BOOM.  Poop.  I don't know what's going on.  I don't know if it's an attention-getter with all that's going on (I'd totally understand and have been trying to spend some extra time with him, talking and playing, etc.), a switch in his pooping schedule, habit, or what.  On the bright side, Gia has been doing fabulous with going on the potty.  She even wore her big girl underwear for a little bit yesterday.  She is going to be fairly easy, it seems.

So anyway, my day started with another poopy diaper from Aidan, and I instantly felt frustrated, especially after not sleeping well.  I scolded him a little bit more than I probably should have, cleaned him up, dressed both kids and my day began.  He was constantly in time out, got a couple of spanks, throughout the whole morning.  We had a good hour or so of coloring, doing puzzles together, music and singing, then as soon as I turned my back to make lunch, he was at it again.  The not listening thing is just the worst.  I know, I know, he's 3...it's what they're good at...ignoring you.  I get it.  It doesn't make it any easier though.  He's usually such an easy, compliant (for the most part) child and days like these are pretty rare, thank God.  But today...I just couldn't take it today.  He sang through his entire naptime, which made me dread getting him up since he didn't sleep and would be tired...and even naughtier.  Poor Gia just hangs out through it all, playing and singing...pretty much oblivious to what Aidan and I are going through.  She's such a trooper...until she turns 3, I'm sure.

Ryan got home, we ate dinner and I couldn't get through dinner with the "mommy, i want more.  mommy, mommy, mommy" and the "Aidan, eat your food...three more bites...eat...." and I had to just go upstairs and close my eyes.  Then Ryan left again, leaving me with a pretty hopeless feeling looking around at my disaster of a kitchen and 2 kids to calm down, get dressed for bed, teeth brushed, books and into bed.  I wanted to crawl under the table and hide.  But I sucked it up, put on some much-loved music, and let the kids run crazy while I cleaned the kitchen.  They played unbelievably well while I cleaned the kitchen.  It was a miracle.  Now they are in bed, asleep within 3 minutes of laying their little heads down and I got the privilege of hearing both of them tell me they love me.  Me: "I love you, Aidan."  Aidan: "Mommy, I love YOU."  And as I was shutting Gia's door to let her sleep, I heard her say, "Yuh-You, Mommy...Yuh-You (Love you)".  Then I sobbed.

Some days I think I am literally going crazy.  But at the end of the day, I have what I need.  Those 2 kids are my heart.  I have another one coming any day now.  Sometimes I wonder how on earth I will cope with and love this baby, even though I know I will.  Sure, I wish I felt a little more appreciated around here, flowers would be nice sometimes, along with some encouraging words more frequently, but I know they love me.  I'm literally surging with wacky hormones, I'm tired, sore, hurting, but I'm okay.  I'm blessed.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm anxious.  Terrified, a little.  But...I'm a mom.  I'm sure it won't be the last time I feel this way.  I am so very lucky to have such great girlfriends who give me encouraging words, hugs, don't get frustrated at my tears, and know just the right thing to say.  I couldn't do it without them.  They make me feel less crazy and they believe in me.  Encouragement is just what I'm needing these days.  I'm tired.

And ready to schedule Ryan's vasectomy.

The End.